Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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