I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Randomize
