There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
