id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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