I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
Randomize
