There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
