Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
