took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
