Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Randomize
