There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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