You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
Randomize
