wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Randomize
