watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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