im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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