pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Randomize
