He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
