He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
