The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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