Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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