So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
