Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
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