she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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