my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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