Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
