Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Randomize
