I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
