Barsexuality is the new black.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
Please tell me joes at work safe and sound and doesn't smell like jail?
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
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