absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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