Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
