I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
