Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
