I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
