i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
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