The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
