Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
You guys were grinding to YMCA. I knew you were going to hook up with him.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
