my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
