WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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