dats a huuuuuge bitch!
who is this????
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
