i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
The bartender from Thursday remembered me... And gave me a FLAMING BUCKET of alcohol.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
