If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
