so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
