I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Randomize
