I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
