Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
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