Have you finally orgasmed yet?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
