I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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