ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Randomize
