when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Randomize
