Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
