The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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